Wednesday, May 31, 2006

Monday, May 29, 2006


My wife's Italian and Denmarkist, Denmarkian, Denmarkite?
Turns out this Italian Ponzi dude back in the 1910s came up with
this scheme to use the uneven exchange rates with foreign
countries to make money. Sounds good on paper, but like
pyramid schemes, it eventually has to collapse.

A woman in our church was touting her enormous 38%
secure return on her house equity investment, but was coy
about telling us who she was dealing with.

Usually some in her position should be trying to get other
people to buy in, but maybe she's new to this and thinks
she's got a deal nobody else knows about.

Sunday she happened to mention the 'company.'

Oops, a quick internet check and scam bam thank you ma'am.

She's not the type you can talk out of something. She's always
finding new things, new products, hasn't really pressed selling
them to people, but when her house gets absorbed by the beast,
what choice will she have?

Meanwhile some of us have enough sense to realize we
can make a killing on the online poker venue.

All those naive people playing against sneaky devils like me.
Already I've sucked them in, -138% on my 'investment', so now
they think I'm weak and desperate!

Muhahahahahaha, fullhouse! Dorks over Dumbsh*ts.

Please feed my cat until I can make bail. Thanks.

Thursday, May 25, 2006

If you have children, don't

So the boy, son number 1, who smashed his finger experimenting
at work which caused him to get fired and almost lost
the end of his finger because it was so squashed and who's
wife also seems to break body parts occasionally, called up
to find out what was going on this weekend, and that
they might come down if they could steal enough gas, and
oh by the way the same hand just got tore open again.

Trying to start a lawnmower and the cord snapped and came
back and whacked his hand. Big slash.

These kids are either accident prone or prone to accidents.
You will not find me being a passenger in their car.

Saturday, May 20, 2006

All about bird bath soup

The dainties should not read this.

Yesterday the birdbath was clean. The weather was 69 and lovely.
This morning, light rain, then the sun came out.
I tipped the cat over and proceeded to drag
the weedeater, kicking and screaming to the back 40.
Time hack some blackberries.

Hack we did.

Then I said, I should hack around the birdbath
so's that the grass isn't too high and the little
birdies can see the cat coming.

Whack whack whack, EWWWWW!

The birdbath contained:

partial bird, probably baby robin
another larger bone, probably not bird
(I haven't removed them yet, I'm getting up
the stomach for it).
The temperature is not Houston, but still
68 and enough to make soup out of it after
a long afternoon.

I can't just toss it into the bushes,
the cat might try and eat it.


not the cat
not the possums
not the raccoons, they would have tipped the
bird bath over

This leaves the crows.
They have already destroyed the bushtit nest,
and are very aggressive in the yard,
definitely have a nest in the area.

Even the most ferocious beast in North America,
BARGELLO, descended from Asiatic Lions,
killer of all, is challenged by an adult crow.

I just hope my tombstone doesn't read:

He never sent cards on anybody's birthday
Is it any wonder the crows drowned him in the bird bath?

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

Of mouses and moles

Planted my dahlias in a raised bed. I watered them.
The water went down this hole. Lots of water went down the hole.

Half a lake went down the hole. Take that mole from hell.

The cat's not doing his job.

So I dumped a bunch of cayenne pepper down the hole! Watered some more to get it down in there, then dumped some more at the top.

Then the cat, Gello, brought us a live little mouse to play with on the back deck on Sunday. What a sweet guy.

We close all doors, keep your toy outside please!

Ten minutes later the fatal, "SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!"

Mouse poppers. Gello gets really weird after a kill, like he's totally spaced on caffeine or something. It must be a real rush.

Today it will be 85 degrees in Seattle. That's ridiculous.
The cat will not be hunting, when it gets this hot, he collapses, as do we.

Thursday, May 11, 2006

Battery Man

So I took my beater car into the Volvo place for some surgery and to have three very hard to open doors fixed.

Since I never have riders except on the rare occasion I took the Dwelfess to work,
it wasn't until that time that I noticed I now have only two functioning doors.
Driver's side front works, that I would have noticed right away, but the passenger side front is totally dead, won't open from the inside or outside. Driver's side rear only opens from the outside (so I can abduct people now).

Old car needs lots of work which I need to parse out over many many months because I'm not that rich, so I've been waiting for the opportunity to take it back in and bitch mightly about the doors (for which I supplied the parts! you can get all kinds of car parts on the internet).

But one day my car battery died. It's Sunday. Les Schwab isn't open. Nobody's open. I must have my car. Went to AwSchucks and bought a lovely battery from a dyslexic cashier. Spent 1.5 hours trying to get the old one out. Corrosion and an impossible angle to try and remove screw holding it in. Could not find my special tools. No time to go to the hardware store. So OW OW OW OW OW OW OW OW OW OW OW OW OW OW,
and lots of WD-40, and very very slowly it started to turn.

Stick new battery in, zoom!
My right hand was unusable, howsomever, for two days. Cramped.

Two days later, radio, lights, fan, but no turnover. Took the bus to work. Nobody threw up on me. Took the bus home, I'm sure those teenagers were looking to rough me up if I got off at the wrong stop (little do they know I am Tai Won On master).

Cleaned the terminals, put them back on really tight, and voila!

So what's the big deal? Anybody could do that?
Well, I'm not very tool oriented.
My dear dwelfess has said, "If you come anywhere near our house with a hammer or saw in your hand, I'll kill you."
I can use them. I just can't use them as intended.

My greenhouse stands, for example, stuck together by duct tape, much like this sentence, and now also by screws, which after 50 years I discovered you can use an electric drill to screw screws in, AND OUT!!!!!! WOO!!!!, about 4,000 times faster than by hand.

It's amazing.

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

Sunday, May 07, 2006

Garden vs. the cat

Way behind this year, but slowly getting seedlings and seeds into the ground.
The cat, like all cats, would like to lay on top of them.
I think seeds and seedlings produce heat which attracts the cat.

Also, globally cooling can be affected anytime I even think
about planting my tomatoes.
Cold air is attracted by tomato repots.

Our cat does not dig a lot in the garden.
I think he's pooping in the business building garage next door.
You go, cat!

If the cat lays on the garden, he also provides heat
which helps the seedlings sprout.

It's a fine line between cat and cat nip.

Monday, May 01, 2006

Garden goo

I am waaaaay behind in the garden.
The tomato seedlings in the greenhouse
snap at me to put them outside. No chance until next weekend.
They hate me.
The potatoes should be in the ground.
They live in some peat moss, cringing,
knowing the cat will eventually come and dig them up.

Meanwhile, I can not believe my little baby sister and
her frothmister, were not arrested in any of those
countries they visited.

Payola, I guess.