Someday you'll see me playing for the big stakes on HDTV.
And you'll wonder, how did some liberal latte slurping geezer make it that far.
Here's my secret. I don't mind telling because most of you aren't going
to play much real money poker, and those of you who try this method
will fail miserably.
The secret is to be able to hold your liquor and your mouth and be a happy but not sloppy drunk. No puking, no pinching, no wild banter, just bleary eyed concentration.
You're opponents must see you as coherent but confusing, lubricated and liberated,
and convinced that your state of mind will cause serious miscalculations in betting.
This will lead them to bet excessively, knowing your downfall must be imminent.
Never bet all in unless you have a flush or higher. Do not confuse this with
the fact that you are flushed and high.
DO NOT MIX YOUR DRINKS. Stick with bourbon or scotch. Wine and beer will not do.
Beer will make you tell everybody you've got two bitches and triple 10s.
Wine will cause you to overbet your Jacks every time.
Gin is chancy, but if you've got the stomach for it, give it a go.
Avoid tequila like the plague.
And if you're ever up against me at a poker table, look me in the eye
and say, "Dude, where's your car?" and you might have a chance.